Vintonville

In my heart of hearts, happiness would be fueling the body with a diet of delicious, life-shortening crap. McGriddles for breakfast, corn dogs for brunch, Hamburgers for lunch, Pizza for dinner and ice cream/cookies for dessert.

Every day.

For the rest of my life. Which would, after the first year, probably be a short one.

In the mean time, whenever my cholesterol-loving heart of hearts begins whispering sweet nothings to the  impressionable food hole known as my stomach, I check out the life-busting concoctions on This is Why You’re Fat. And suddenly, like a St. Patty’s Day miracle, egg whites, tuna, brown rice and cottage cheese don’t look so bad.

Behold the magical–and heart-stopping–power of the Meat (in) Loaf, Fifth Third Burger and Meat Cake triumvirate.

It’s not like I haven’t wanted to post the last few weeks, it’s more like I’ve been depressed, disillusioned and hunkering down for the seemingly inevitable apocalypse A, apocalypse B, apocalypse C, apocalypse D, apocalypse E, apocalypse F, apocalypse G or all of the above. You know– collecting ammunition, doing inventory on BOBs, storing food, looking into offshore real estate, learning survival skills, going to bed late, sleeping all day, attending Ron Paul rallies (love you!), enrolling in the NRA and constructing homemade gillie suits in sizes XL, S, 4T and 0-3 Months.

So yeah– Lady-Friends Chocolate Girl Power post? Probably for me… minus the Girl Power stuff.

And it’s all thanks to this book:

Potential ability to produce chronic depression aside, this is a pretty fun read.

Emergency documents Neil Strauss’ pangs of disconcertion with domestic and world-wide events of the day, a realization he’s an ill-prepared city-boy and his subsequent adventure in investing in the peace of mind that can only come from knowing how to draw and quarter a goat, fly a modular aircraft, gain a second citizenship, become an EMT and master the art of putting two 9 mm. rounds (if you can find them) on target in 1.5 seconds.

If you the think the book is survivalist doom and gloom, you’re only 1/3 right. It’s got it’s laundry list of “you should worry” scenarios and portents, but more so, it’s a humorous and interesting read on Neil Strauss’ attempt to address the anxieties he’d been accumulating for a decade or so. Optimistically, instead of becoming a recluse and waiting out the next predicted apocalypse (of which there have been plenty) in a remote desert shanty, Neil Strauss decides life’s better when simply lived– all while investing in people and society with the skills he learns throughout his experience…

…and making money writing books about it in L.A.

The Frontier’s had a rough year.

FIRST it was the street brawl with our surprisingly steadfast mailbox.

THEN, just a few weeks ago, she suffered from a random gearlock issue that had me artistically conjugating cuss words like an aural Van Gogh.

THEN², on Friday: Child-Aged Mischief.

Acting contrary to the Frontier Owner’s Guide “Do not allow uncontrolled tailgate movement” warning (IE- DON’T pull the tailgate latch and watch gravity bang the crap out of it), a young hooligan decided to do just that. And all without adult supervision. Frontier’s tailgate lock cylinder was subsequently, prematurely and violently dislodged, plunging it into the dark depths of said tailgate.

Frontier was sad*.

However, Frontier sadness soon gave way to Frontier happiness. After completely surprising myself by taking the tailgate apart and investing time to fix it with my bare hands, I silently vowed, “Never again“. Never again will sweet Frontier receive the truck equivalent of a forcible de-pantsing at the idle hands of mischievous children.

Frontier will be happier still when this little do-dad arrives on my front porch and hap-hap-haptastic when I install it “in no time”.

…but you know what would really send both me and Frontier over the edge of Gleefull Falls? If the rejected first draft of MacGyver’s theme in the installation video below comes with it. That way me and the mystery pal who’s just hanging around to hand me EZDown parts as I install them can can rock it on down 80’s family adventure style.

* So was I. Who would have guessed Nissan’s tailgate lock mechanism was so cheap.

It seems like everywhere I turn and everyone I talk to is depressed right now! What a bummer.

Could it be the fact that everyday we hear how the world is going down the poop chute? Or is it that everyone (OK not “everyone” but a lot) thought Obama could and would change the world as soon as he was put in office? Let’s face it people it took years to get us where we are and one hopeful, optimistic president ain’t going to change what the past 100 year dingle berries in office have put us in. Don’t get me wrong I am just as inspired as the next Tom, Dick, and Harry at one of his inspiring speeches but there is a reality we have to face. I think now that he is in office and he can see the realities it might not seem as easy as he thought it would be. No this isn’t an Obama bash, I think he’s a great guy and will do what he can with the mess we are in. Let’s just not think he will be the one to save us.

Or could it be the headlines stating that another million people are jobless today? And the country is another billion dollars in debt to save sinking ships. Awesome!

Maybe its the email my mom sent me saying there will be a pandemic very soon that could kill millions! We will all be locked in our houses not allowed to leave. And to boot it said have guns to protect yourself because the people that are guarding our prisoners will be at home trying to stay alive which means, well you can figure it out. Bring on the birds baby!

Or the dirty groundhog that decided to see his shadow. It might just be the fact that we just had a massive snow storm in March that gave us another 3 feet of turdtastic snow! Who needs sunshine, happiness, and birds singing anyway!

Could it be we are all trying to be the “perfect” mom, wife, and friend. Who has the definition of perfect anyway? Seems like we are all trying to live up to an expectation that doesn’t exist. I would put a day of no make-up and jammies on my “perfect” list.

Oh boy I don’t know about you but after reading this I’m feeling fancy foot and free. This post wasn’t supposed to get you more depressed but to give you a cure even if its just for a moment. I decided I would share a few things that are always a sure pick me up when I’m not feeling so hot.

So ladies(because dudes don’t admit they are depressed) brownies and music are the cure! Right now life might not be so hot and there isn’t much hope and happiness floating around but nothing like a delicious warm chocolate brownies to cure you for a moment of blissful happiness, melted chocolate, and your house smelling like you are Betty Crocker. I found this easy recipe that is sinfully delicious. The first time we tried it Dan made it for me when I was in bed sick and we’ve made it too many times since.

Quick and easy brownies

* 2 cups white sugar
* 1 cup butter
* 1/2 cup cocoa powder
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 4 eggs
* 1 cup all-purpose flour (you can add another 1/2c if you like the cake kind)
* 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1/2 cup walnut halves

DIRECTIONS

1. Melt the butter and mix all ingredients in the order given.
2. Bake at 350 degrees F for 20 to 30 minutes in a 9 x 13 inch greased pan.

We added frosting…yum! This makes a huge batch so unless you want a little extra to snack on I would take it down a notch.

* 2 cups butter (no substitutes), softened
* 9 cups confectioners’ sugar
* 2 1/2 cups baking cocoa
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
* 1 cup milk
DIRECTIONS
1. In a large mixing bowl, cream butter. Gradually beat in confectioners’ sugar, cocoa and vanilla. Add enough milk until frosting reaches spreading consistency.

Now the music to have blasting while making these awesome treats! I know its quite the mix but I like to be able to sing out loud. I also like power to the woman songs, happy songs so enjoy.

This post was all ready for an on-time departure the morning of day 4, but a crashing Photoshop Elements (nyah!) kicked that flight right in the underpants. The post is now a week old, but that makes it vintage. Cherish:

Yesterday was the day we visited the land that some guy going by “Disney” built. It’s this little place tucked away in some backwater called Anaheim.

Not a single picture was taken today. Not one.

We did, however, go down a waterslide, block the sun with some kind of special lotion, reintroduce Little Dude to putting his whole head underwater, buy clothes for Baby Sis and make a local Red Robin whip up a cherry chocolate shake.

Other notable events include hearing Pebbles’ “Girlfriend”, a song I hadn’t heard since 8th grade, two times in one day.

“Girlfriend, you know he was the best you ever had.”