A few months back, I had a general feeling the world had woken up, wet the bed and ate a bowl of manure to top it all off.
Negativity was the new hotness. Being right trumped being reasonable, emotional entitlement trumped patience, easily offended replaced equanimity and mean-spirited reprisal was regularly karate-chopping friendly humor in the …
Every year it happens the same way: Summer shows up at June’s front door all full of apologies and promises. Then, 2.8 months later, Summer packs up and sneaks out the back door while that cheap replacement Fall comes clomping in asking where she can put her stuff.
And every year I tell Fall to stick …
So I’ve taken up running again. Not because it’s a life passion, but more because the dreamtastic Ragnar Wasatch Back relay is pretty much here, bellowing and beating its red-haired chest right behind me– and right now, that Ragnar dude’s breath smells like personal embarrassment and shame.
That means I’m back in a cushy pair of …
Also:
This looks like a shark.
D-list celebrities want attention for doing nothing.
Night time looks dark.
Kids look like miniature grownups.
I’m a dude.
Suburbans look like really big SUVs.
Women have boobs.
My palate is decidedly lowbrow. Keep your bisque, banache and Frenchy/Italian-ey suffixes. I’ll take a fat pile of baked mac and cheese, pizza, Famous Star or condiment-loaded ballpark hot dog and wash it all down with a warm chocolate chip cookie chaser.
It’s not that I don’t know any better. I’m not afraid of the fancy …
Tampons. Other than being the mule who suffers the man-slapping indignity of plunking down variety-pack boxes of purse bait on random grocery runs, I don’t know the first thing about them. Which probably explains my “you can’t buy your own?” attitude and why I’ve been subliminally duped with tampon commercials and their romantic, sterile display …
Ah, the crossroads of life. That pivotal moment where simple decisions alter the course of personal history. There’s no less than 236 of them being made in this picture right here.
Thanks, this guy.
I’m pretty sure 1986 was the year scientific fact established there’s never been a food invented that’s out-sublimed the American invented, meal-in-one hamburger. As a flawless food ecosystem, hamburgers represent paper wrapped miracles of protein, fats, carbs and vegetable packed into a versatile puck of fantasticalness.
Which makes this statistical work of art endlessly fascinating. Below …
I blame it on morbid curiosity. Last night, I made the mistake of voluntarily watching The Bachelor finale. Specifically, a few minutes of the embarrassing “pick the chick you want in the sack and ditch the one you’d actually marry” moment.
And it was wincingly painful.
The only time I’ve ever felt more uncomfortable and awkward was …
Just in case anyone was doubting, Sunday night confirmed on thing to this crew: throwing up is completely overrated. Throwing up multiple times? We’re all trying to forget.
Chili’s, why’d you do us so wrong.
