It’s Not Me, Cold… It’s You
Man, it’s cold. And not “throw-a-hoodie-on-and-go-to-a-football-game-cold”. I mean “blood-withdrawn-from- inconsequential-appendages-like-fingers-and-feet-for-pooling-in-essential-things-like-heart-and-lungs-cold”. I mean “Why-is-living-as-a-transient-hobo-in-Hawaii-such-a-bad- idea?” cold. It’s Jack London cold.
Now, if I was a snowman or a sled dog, it’d be fine. Fantastic, even!
But I’m not.
I’m a warm-blooded, summer-loving mammal born to wear flip flops, shorts and skin pigmentation belying a risk of melanoma.
Looking back, I’m not sure when my unhealthy relationship with Winter cold ended, but the whole thing feels like it went on far longer than it should have. Not that we didn’t try to make it work. I mean, we tried to work it out for years. We tried counseling, but she was always so unwilling to change. Everything had to be her way. There was no middle ground. Cold was cold– live with it. We’d even tried taking breaks from one another, but every year it was the same thing:
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’ve been so cold. I promise I’ll change. See? I’m reading this book on global warming and I really think I could get into it. Here, lemme up the temperature for you, Baby. See? I can change… Oh, you want it warmer? I was out shopping, Baby– and I got you a present! It’s called Summer- it’s warm all day and night and gives you long days and infinite tan. See? You like that? I love you, Baby…”
Then slowly, always slowly, things started creeping back to the old ways.
“Oh, this little cold snap? I’m just having a bad day, Baby. Everything’s OK. I’m not even as bad as I used to be… I’m trying!”
Then, one day, I woke up and the flipflops were mothballed, the forecast was all gray skies and sub-20′s for the next three months and my tan was history– I was suddenly a doughy, second-rate Edward Cullen knock-off.
“See? See what you made me do!? I tried to change and you didn’t do anything! You don’t appreciate anything I do! So you know what? I’m happy with the old me. If you want heat, go make your own! You disgust me!”
To which I say, ” OH YEAH!? WELL BRING ON GLOBAL WARMING!”
And that’s how it ended.
No, Cold and I haven’t been involved in an equilaterally fruitful relationship for quite some time. –Sigh– And after all the good times we had together.
Okay, so I totally did the lady winter’s voice in my head as MC. Hil-ar-ious.
Oh, and I think you would make a fabulous R-Patz. Just act stoned and a little bit retarded.
Good, Dan.